A New Love
Have you ever felt a certain way about something and think you must be the only one who has ever felt that way so you don't say a word and just hope the feeling passes? {because if you told anyone they'd surely think you'd lost your marbles}
I have. When I found out I was pregnant with Silas (almost immediately) I started feeling sad for Taegan and the adjustments her little life was about to undergo. I also wondered if I would really be able to love another child the way I loved Taegan.
After talking to a friend this week at work and sharing almost identical feelings over our second born, I was comforted to know I'm not alone and there are probably lots of other moms who felt this way too.
The moment I saw Taegan's wiggly little body on ultrasound I fell in love and felt an instant connection. The connection wasn't as immediate the second time around, don't get me wrong I would have been devastated had something happened, but it was just different. Maybe because the daydreams of my growing baby boy were having to be shared by my "real life" busy toddler or maybe it was the nagging fear that Taegan would hate me for having another child.
When Taegan was born I remember rocking her with "postpartum tears" streaming down my face because I was so infatuated with her tiny features. I thought I'd never be able to sing "Hush Little Baby" without crying like a baby. This postpartum experience was a little different there were still tears shed but the majority were because I was sad for Taegan and I missed her. I missed our bath time together, bedtime snuggles, and our one on one play time. Taegan and I were stuck together like glue most days before Silas was born and then after he was born I was literally attached to him for the majority of the day.
Silas and I have had a slower bonding phase, but now our bond is just as strong. He is such a different baby than Taegan. Taegan was a laid back, go with flow, easy going baby. Silas is a Moma's boy, snuggler, who likes routine. He would be perfectly happy if the two of us stayed home, by ourselves, all the time! Taegan loved her swing, bouncy seat, and anyone who wanted to hold her. Silas loved me to nurse him, me to hold him, and me to wear him in the wrap (notice the trend...ME). A part of me resented the fact that he only wanted me all the time and no one else could make him happy. I would get frustrated because I would want to hand him off the Brandon and love on Taegan, but he would scream, and I'd feel guilty. It is hard to admit I felt this way because part of me fears that it makes me sound like a bad Mom or that I don't love Silas (which couldn't be farther from the truth).
Somewhere around the two month mark Silas and I really started to form a bond. He started smiling at me and cooing and I started adjusting to being a Mom of two. I am so in love with this little boy today. A bond between a Mother and her son is truly unique and special. I can already tell he is going to be my sweet little Moma's boy and Taegan is my wild little entertainer. The way he lights up when he catches a glimpse of my face and instantly calms when I hold him, melt my heart. I have gotten to a point where I can enjoy holding, nursing, and snuggling him without feeling guilty for not playing with Taegan at that moment. The first twelve weeks truly were like a fourth trimester for Silas, I felt like he really just wanted to be back on the inside and a few times I caught myself thinking about how much easier that would be. In the last month he has become a much happier baby, he loves for you to talk to him and his little belly giggles are one of the sweetest sounds on earth! I know it won't be long before he is running around playing and I won't be able to hold and cuddle him all the time, which makes me sad but also makes me savor these moments even more.
It is amazing, unbelievable, and overwhelming the love a Mother's heart is capable of giving.
Taegan's adjustment is still questionable. She undoubtedly loves Silas but still has a hard time sharing everyone's attention (especially her Meme's). Lately we have been struggling a bit with her bossing us around and just being difficult (there really is no other word to describe it). I'm not sure if it is still her adjusting to having a baby brother, the fact that she's almost three years old, or what the cause could be but I really wish we could find a solution. Her attitude and emotions tend to resemble a roller coster at times. She can be to sweetest little angel one minute and on the floor screaming the next. If this is a foreshadowing of what's to come wish me luck when she hits puberty!
When Taegan was born I remember rocking her with "postpartum tears" streaming down my face because I was so infatuated with her tiny features. I thought I'd never be able to sing "Hush Little Baby" without crying like a baby. This postpartum experience was a little different there were still tears shed but the majority were because I was sad for Taegan and I missed her. I missed our bath time together, bedtime snuggles, and our one on one play time. Taegan and I were stuck together like glue most days before Silas was born and then after he was born I was literally attached to him for the majority of the day.
Silas and I have had a slower bonding phase, but now our bond is just as strong. He is such a different baby than Taegan. Taegan was a laid back, go with flow, easy going baby. Silas is a Moma's boy, snuggler, who likes routine. He would be perfectly happy if the two of us stayed home, by ourselves, all the time! Taegan loved her swing, bouncy seat, and anyone who wanted to hold her. Silas loved me to nurse him, me to hold him, and me to wear him in the wrap (notice the trend...ME). A part of me resented the fact that he only wanted me all the time and no one else could make him happy. I would get frustrated because I would want to hand him off the Brandon and love on Taegan, but he would scream, and I'd feel guilty. It is hard to admit I felt this way because part of me fears that it makes me sound like a bad Mom or that I don't love Silas (which couldn't be farther from the truth).
Somewhere around the two month mark Silas and I really started to form a bond. He started smiling at me and cooing and I started adjusting to being a Mom of two. I am so in love with this little boy today. A bond between a Mother and her son is truly unique and special. I can already tell he is going to be my sweet little Moma's boy and Taegan is my wild little entertainer. The way he lights up when he catches a glimpse of my face and instantly calms when I hold him, melt my heart. I have gotten to a point where I can enjoy holding, nursing, and snuggling him without feeling guilty for not playing with Taegan at that moment. The first twelve weeks truly were like a fourth trimester for Silas, I felt like he really just wanted to be back on the inside and a few times I caught myself thinking about how much easier that would be. In the last month he has become a much happier baby, he loves for you to talk to him and his little belly giggles are one of the sweetest sounds on earth! I know it won't be long before he is running around playing and I won't be able to hold and cuddle him all the time, which makes me sad but also makes me savor these moments even more.
It is amazing, unbelievable, and overwhelming the love a Mother's heart is capable of giving.
Taegan's adjustment is still questionable. She undoubtedly loves Silas but still has a hard time sharing everyone's attention (especially her Meme's). Lately we have been struggling a bit with her bossing us around and just being difficult (there really is no other word to describe it). I'm not sure if it is still her adjusting to having a baby brother, the fact that she's almost three years old, or what the cause could be but I really wish we could find a solution. Her attitude and emotions tend to resemble a roller coster at times. She can be to sweetest little angel one minute and on the floor screaming the next. If this is a foreshadowing of what's to come wish me luck when she hits puberty!
Kissing those sweet cheeks!
Handsome Fella
Silas loves bath time and we usually both end up wet because he likes to kick and splash water everywhere!
Happy Halloween
Now that we have started talking about planning for our next baby, I've been struggling with some of these same thoughts. It's so nice to hear someone acknowledge those fears and sad moments.
ReplyDeleteI think it is very normal unfortunately no one really talks about it so everyone feels like they are the weird one. It is nothing short of amazing the way your love grows and you can love them both equally.
DeleteI stumbled on your blog and have been clicking around enjoying it. I had my baby boy in Feb., a month and 1/2 after my daughter turned 3. I felt the same thing you describe, and confided in some friends who were moms of 2 or more, and found they all went through a similar thing. It was almost like a mourning for the little family of 3 I knew, as we prepared for our son to be born. I was super excited about his arrival, but also a little sad because everything I knew and loved was about to change and never be the same. I was worried I wouldn't love him the way I loved my daughter. I had a moment of utter sadness about it, and cried my eyes out. And then he came...and I loved him. It's been a different relationship than the one I have with my daughter, because they are different in many ways beyond age and gender, but I love them equally fierce. He's a needier baby as well, and she is going through some terrible 3's moments just like you describe. So funny to read this post and relate to it so much.
ReplyDelete